My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
