This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
