I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
