Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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