Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
