I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
