By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Randomize
