The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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