I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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