I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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