when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
