Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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