My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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