he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
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