If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize