She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
