I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
