why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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