Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
