I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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