No stitches, just platelets and will power
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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