i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
