I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize