I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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