Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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