You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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