i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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