We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
