is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
