Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
