Old men and throwing up are my life now.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
