My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
