It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
