8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
