i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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