so that wasnt chicken after all
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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