I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
