after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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