so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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