they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
