I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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