You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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