My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
