Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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