I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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