One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
