my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
