I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
