Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize