Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
