I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Randomize
