We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Even my vagina gasped.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
