i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
We are two peas in an std pod
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
