like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
