Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
