Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
