For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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