Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Randomize
