so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
