My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize