News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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