You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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