My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
