remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
