I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
