God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize